and cold in my chest
I was not expecting your disdain
your habitual ugliness, competitiveness, game playing, deceit, manipulation, cowardice, viciousness, arrogance and/or vanity.
I had forgotten them.
Like I will forget them yet again.
You say (again) that I should have thicker skin.
I say that my religion is to shave it down,
ever thinner. Ever thinner.
My faith is that when I am fully, painfully present
you will be worth it.
95% of the time things are. I am
with a falling leaf
with a rain puddle
with a child playing in the park
I forget myself
and all my dodges and shenanigans
and skip off for some ice cream
until you come round the corner
your face all tight
showing scorn for my abandon
for my ratty shoes
And another ripping knife cuts out my breath
(Oh! I am supposed to own things. I am supposed to beat people
down. I was supposed to win something!)
Frozen-stopped, shamed, startled-quiet
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